I am new to the community and just returning to LJ after a long break. I usually write when I am feeling off and need to just spill what I am feeling with no filters or worries about what is in my head. Anyway, I have an on and off history of depression, with my lowest point around 2006. I was on lexapro for a minimal amount of time back then but thankfully been able to keep things controlled without meds for most of the time. Around 2009 I was mostly happy, satisfied with life and up until now have had minimal worries about serious depression. Now I am pregnant with my first child (23 weeks) and I feel like I am going crazy! I know a lot of it can be attributed to the hormones but my gut tells me I am quickly slipping back into dark mode and I constantly feel sad, angry or hopeless. I would love to avoid meds altogether, but how can I know if this is normal pregnancy insanity or me going back down that path of depression?
Recently I feel overwhelmed all the time. I work a full time job that I do not like, and have my sister in law and her 4 yr old living with us until she gets back on her feet. We also have a roommate friend that has been living with us for a while (and this has never bothered me before). Oh and also I am dealing with gestational diabetes so staying on track with my meal plan adds tons of stress as well.
Lately every little thing anyone does annoys me in a way I can't control. Even just their presence sets my hair on end sometimes. My husband is trying so hard, I talk to him a lot and as much as he can be a lazy butt sometimes he is getting better in helping around the house and easing the stress for me. Its not enough though, he is still the way he is and slips up from time to time on things I have asked him to change or help with and I lose it... I get mad and sad and cry uncontrollably for 20-30 mins. Its all the little things- if the tweezers I always leave in a certain drawer are moved by my sis in law, or if my nephew is monopolizing the tv or being overly loud, or if her puppy (oh yea she brought her 6 month old pup with her too) yips and yaps or chews up the box of kleenex, or if my mother in law is at my house more often than I want her to be. It seems silly when I write it all down, but seriously I break down and feel like a horrible person for just wanting to kick everyone out of my house (including my husband and my dogs) and just be by myself. I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep.
This morning was the point where I really started thinking, maybe this isn't just the pregnancy hormones, maybe my depression is taking hold again. My husband and I had a disagreement last night and then again this morning (well he brushed it off and got over it real easy but it seems it affected me more than I wanted it to) and when he left for work I just turned off my alarm, cried myself to sleep and when I woke up late I called out of work and decided I was just taking a day to myself. I watched an hour of Iron Chef on tv, ate a little, fell asleep for 4 hours and now I am here trying to figure out what to do. It seems a little too much for it to just be pregnancy hormones taking over. Everyone always says oh just watch out you will be a roller coaster of emotions, but I do not want to disregard everything I am feeling because of my depression history either. I do not want to spend my pregnancy sad and angry and being an overall hateful person.
Anyone who has had similar experiences please share what helped or even if you haven't figured out what to do, just share. I can't be the only one. Thanks!